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Apolon is a mythological/mythologized Lord created by Adam Polonski. He was one of the original residents of The Boneshack and a living example of the Freakfuck idealogues.

Early LifeEdit

Apolon was born on November 27, 1985 in Albany, NY. Similar to Jesus of Nazareth, few details are known about his life before a certain point, but the consensus is that he was "probably a weird kid."

There is speculation that Apolon is an amphibian and that he was hatched from an egg or seed pod and lived in a golden swamp for his first 18 years, but there is little evidence to support this.

The Fiend of Shadow (2004 - 2007)Edit

William Slater Welles is generally credited as Apolon's first follower, discovering him at Hamilton College sometime in late 2004. During this time Apolon was fond of wearing a voluminous green cloak and carrying a long wooden staff with which he frequently threatened to "smite" his enemies, especially the omnipresent Fiend of Shadow. It was also during this time that Apolon came to no small amount of prominence on campus as the editor-in-chief of the daily comedy publication The Daily Bull.

During this time Apolon could only be called Lord Apolon or more properly, The Master of Everything. William would often try to use this to trick Lord Apolon into doing things for him. Even then he knew ways to justify not ever doing a thing. For example: "Apolon, if you're the master of everything, aren't you the master of taking my tray up?" "Yes but I'm also the master of Not taking your tray up."

This period was marked by a devout asceticism. Welles has later recounted that Apolon despised swear words and drugs of any sort, including alcohol. Apolon abstained from sex, seeking an absolute purity of mind, body, and soul.

Apolon gradually phased out of this period, especially after coming into contact with the Cloverspeak element present in the Boneshack. He gave up some aspects of his purity, especially concerning alcohol consumption and swear words. A notable character created during this time was a spoiled little girl voice that sounded a lot like Veruca Salt. He also created serval charters while functioning as Dungeon Master of a short lived Dungeons & Dragons group such as, Lord Busywater and the gay pageboy Roger. In the spring of 2007 he took a prilgrimage to Scotland to study. It was here he developed a love for Axis Mundi and for blogs and tumblrs.

NARC period (2007 - 2008)Edit

Following the dissolution of the Boneshack, Apolon officially dropped the title of "Lord" and began his "NARC" period. He experimented with clothing styles outside of the erratic mix of medieval and JCPenney he wore in the past. His friends also experimented by giving him many different names such as Cunnilingulon, Fuckolon (or simply Fuck), and Fapolon Jabronsky. This may have led to a feeling of victimization that drove the lies and backstabbing that typified this period, the most egregious of which was when he named names to Paul Ryan and Lisa Mags that one time.

While it was a controversial time, it was also one of Apolon's most creatively fertile. He developed many characters: Scoozi, Spag, the Jewish shopkeeper Harvey, and the Bulbasaur voice. This is also the time when he really "came out of his shell," so to speak and gave up completely the asceticism of the past, going so far as to trip on mushrooms with Nick Fesette and invite Winston Cook-Wilson up to his bedroom to share a bottle of wine with him alone.

While tripping on mushrooms, Apolon was very quiet and clutched a small weed in his hands for a long time, saying that it was "his friend." At one point he stood in a breezeway, equidistant from the concrete walls of two dormitories and held out his arms. He was nowhere near either building but still instisted that he could touch both of them at the same time. He also held up a twenty dollar bill to Fesette and asked him if he had ever thought about how weird money is, and also if he had ever thought about France.

LA Apolon or Apolon Pictures (2008 - 2009)Edit

After receiving his BA in Classics in 2008, Apolon embarked on a period that is considered his brightest: the LA or Apolon pictures. He spent a year in Los Angeles, CA. He had an internship at Legendary Pictures and worked for some company that Michael Eisner ran and a small literary agency which represented clients whom he could name-drop, and sometimes still does.

The main action during this time was to fill the world with joy, even the simplest things. It was perhaps caused by the imagined desire to "grow up" that is common in twenty-somethings. E.g., he stopped liking or disliking a movie for its specific attributes and instead judged films only by how much they grossed. Perhaps the saddest result of this was his brief insistence that people refer to him as Adam Austin instead of Apolon. Many experts speculate that during this time he was battling a multitude of inner demons that split his selves into many mirroring pieces. Others claim he just "wasn't into that sad-sack Woody Allen horseshit anymore" and had determined to take control of his life.

He also bought a BlackBerry for the first time. It allowed him to more effectively organize his numerous Hollywood contacts.

In his personal life, he had this one great conversation with Seth Green over lychee martinis at a holiday party. Adam briefly dated Anne Hathaway, whom he met through mutual friend Michael Eisner. He ended up leaving her for his career and moved to New York.

Big Apolon (2009 - Present)Edit

In 2009, Apolon moved into the apartment on Kent Avenue with Welles, Fesette, and Jake Tishler and started what is, for lack of a better term, the "Big Apolon" period. While it is ongoing, many important things have occurred during this time not least of which is the formation of Rapolon and the Rapalongs, the Lord's cover band/musical side project. He also created the character of Ditmas.

He continues to play lots of cool video games, including Balldrop (formerly), Slay, and the New York Times to this day.


Apolon is generally referred to as "classically beautiful with a side of butter." He has long, flowing golden blonde hair and sometimes a robust, manly, and dignified beard of the same color. His skin is very pink like a newborn's. His blue eyes sparkle like an animated Disney character's.

His belly is normal sized but enjoying an overlong visit from Uncle Belly, who insists on living with him.

His ass is the biggest that you have ever seen. Seriously it's an ass you wanna "get in." It is often accentuated by his faded mom jeans or white pants. He has very small arms like the flippers of a dolphin which he uses to whip his enemies and friends to great effect. He has two opposable thumbs but has expressed a preference in the past for unopposable thumbs.

Though few have seen it, it is common knowledge that Apolon has a platypus dick that wiggles around.


Apolon's behavior vacillates between cutesy (e.g. curling up in a blanket and fluttering his eyelashes) and repugnant (e.g. racism, classism, talking about Ayn Rand) and oftentimes calls into question the difference between the two (e.g. puns about 14th centuray architectural styles or feigning clueless naivete about what race Trayvon Martin was).

His favorite words are those which are well-suited to screeching in a really pinched, nasally voice. Whenever possible, Apolon will change the pronunciation of words to suit this sound. E.g., potatoes becomes taters.

He likes tricking people in small ways, but others have referred to this practice as "lying to your friends."

Above all is the apparent drive to suck the attention of a room to himself, even if it is negative. This is often achieved by talking about his own actions and persona as if they were a thing removed from himself. The classic example of this is when, while at dinner with his friends at Buffalo Cantina, Apolon asked who liked him the most and posited that it was Cook-Wilson. Everyone at first agreed until they came to their senses and treated the question with derision.

Notable QuotationsEdit

  • "Movies are the sequel to theater, video games are the sequel to movies."
  • (As an Italian astronaut.) "I go up-a to space and drink-a espresso. From-a up here all of Italy looks like Little Italy."
  • "Weeelll!"
  • (In a scat-hop, melodically precise rendition of 'I'm Lovin' It.') "Woh woh woh woh woooohhh!"
  • "Regular, her on top, and doggy"
  • "Its a door, its grey, its Dorien Grey" -Fiend of Shadow Era
  • "JOHN DUNNE" -Fiend of Shadow Era
  • "The Butterman Cometh," "I Can't Believe It's Not Butterman," "I Got 99 Problems But Butter Ain't One", etc.