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John Champagne is America's new Johnny Appleseed. His favorite television show is Google Reader. He directed the 2006 smash-hit The Man with the Big Sombrero and edited the Daily Bull in the years before the advent of Apolon.

Some of his favorite foods include spaghetti sauce with a whole stick of butter and a whole onion in it, and running. He lives in Tucson, Arizona, which matches his dry sense of humor. He lives with a big black man named Ramon who never says anything and doesn't like him.

He is widely considered the true progenitor of everything cool all the younger Hamilton kids did, and thus is a major influence on the second Beat Generation.